Yeah, This Journal Is Secret
by dragonfly360
Summary: Most girls her age wouldn't have an impending war as the main theme in their journals. She did remember to go on about her new guy, though. GaaSaku. Post Shippuuden. Rated for language and occasional adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

This is basically a collection of drabbles relayed through a diary/journal (or journal/diary...?) To be updated sporadically when I get hit (usually rather hard) with inspiration. Some of it isn't grammatically correct, as this is a diary/journal there's no need to be eloquent. Enjoy!

Warning: infrequent strong language. Sexual references.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

X-X-X

_Monday, 23__rd__ of May_

_Dear diary..._

_No idea why I'm doing this. Lie, actually. Last time I did I had a journal slash diary, someone found it and thought it would be amusing to read it and then tell everyone what was written in it. But the reason I'm starting this one is that, well..._

_Still can't believe what happened today._

_I know what you're thinking, something romantic happened, like my crush of several years confessed, or, heaven forbid, kissed me or something. Maybe something nice like that would happen, if I wasn't what I am. And if I actually had a crush. Instead, news important enough for me to start a diary (for me to pretend that I have someone to talk to) is usually bad. Very, very bad._

_Like today, we discovered an injured team returning from a mission. Things go wrong all the time, mistakes are made, people's insides are messed up, and it's nobody's fault. So we just got them as quickly as possible to the hospital, fixing them up. From experience, they know we won't listen to anything they say during this time. Only after they've been examined, and lack of drugs or alcohol is confirmed, and that they're rested and usually calmer and coherent, do they get a nice nurse__ specialised__ in 'soft interrogation' sitting next to them. This team must have had a dangerous mission, their wounds were serious, and they needed a daylong sleep. The wounds were all similar, so we assumed that they had been in enemy or neutral territory, and someone from the other side found them and attacked them. Every village has soldiers strong enough to be deployed alone._

_We were right. They had been in our most bitter enemy's outskirts. Iwa is old-fashioned, still using methods that we gave up ages ago. They have a corrupted core council, and even we know that their Kage is just a figurehead, and that the real power and decisions come from people hiding behind him. People that still believe in slavery, that men are better than women, still believe that we should get paid less for a mission than a man would, that no one has rights unless they say so. People that believe that if you have to be incestuous to continue to keep your strongest clans pure, then so be it. We know they are sick twisted bastards, and old. We just don't know who they are._

_We were right, a solo soldier from Iwa attacked our team._

_But, we did not expect Iwa to use this routine investigation as an excuse to start a goddamn war. Another Great Shinobi War. I felt terrible, having to tell Sishou. My luck, that I was the nurse assigned to question the captain. Maybe because it was Kakashi. Yeah, my old sensei has gotten a new team. It's been so long since I last wrote, you wouldn't know._

_Naruto died. It's what he wanted, to die at a time when everyone would miss him. And, to make him smile even wider, he made Sasuke pay for his crimes before he did. It hurts. I could perform a memory-erasing__ technique__ on myself, but my time as a precious part of Team Seven undoubtedly made me who I am today. So, I will keep them, treasure them, as everyone says I should. Still hurts, but it's okay. I wouldn't feel... comfortable if it didn't hurt. Does that make sense?_

_Anyway, Kakashi got a new team (with only me left…). I really don't like them. I wouldn't feel comfortable without that either. (How am I supposed to like our fucking _replacements_? And it's fmade worse because of the fact that half of the original is all gone. At least they're Team Three... And Kakashi doesn't like them either. Annoying little twats, apparently, but not in the funny, adorable way we were.) They have been a couple of years now, so they're all fifteen. It's nice, knowing I was stronger than them at that age._

_So Kakashi's a Sensei again, just not mine. And me? I didn't become head of the hospital as I once briefly wanted, as most expected. When Naruto… went, I sat down and thought, really thought. Being Head of Hospital would occupy too much of my time, and I wouldn't be able to go on many missions. I know for sure that ANBU is not for me, I know enough about our infrastructural problems from Sishou, and again, probably next-to-no missions outside of Konoha. I wasn't a Chuunin anymore by that time, so anything like that, an Academy Sensei perhaps, was out. Which left a normal Jounin, or a normal Medic. I spoke with Sishou, and became both. Half of my time was spent in the hospital, and the other half was doing missions. In between is filing reports and doing Sishou's paperwork. It was hard, and I lost track of how many times I gave myself an energy boost to stay awake, but it was worth it. I still feel I can do so much that way. Saving lives and killing. What a lovely balance._

_Then, a couple of months ago, Sishou stopped the Jounin missions. She wanted me to become what I mentioned before, an interrogator. I do__ specialise__ in 'soft', but I have no qualms about the 'hard', either. Plus, I can use my medical knowledge to my advantage. After a month's training, it went back to Jounin and Medic, with a side of interrogation for both. After that, Sishou sent me to ANBU for a few weeks to learn about__ surveillance__. That was much harder, but I got the hang of all the gizmos in the end. Sishou laughs now, saying my list of abilities,__ achievements__ and titles can't get any longer. That is, until she asked me to become her Advisor. And Advisor, automatic Councilor, Medic, Interrogator, Jounin, and Surveillance expert all at the still young age of nineteen._

_People respect me now. Right at the beginning, when I was just a learner in the Academy, I was clever but not special. And, I was a fan-girl, a thing older and wiser people scorned (and others pitied and envied, my innocence). Once part of my Team, I started changing. At the time when I was fifteen, most thought I had lived and learned a little. But I was still pretty normal. It's only recently, that I've proved myself, showing that I can survive, I can be all these different things and that I can be strong and the best if that's what I want._

_And everyone knows exactly what I've had to go through to get here._

X-X-X


	2. Chapter 2

X-X-X

_Thursday, 26__th__ May_

_Dear Diary…_

_They weren't joking. They seem to be really serious about this war. My past few days have mostly been spent with Sishou, as she tries to negotiate. It didn't work, so this last day was Sishou asking for Suna to be our allies. With Gaara still being the Kazekage, of course they agreed, and he's__ travelling here and will arrive tomorrow. He's doing this to show his support, even though after Gaara became Kazekage Suna has grown to be nearly the same size as Konoha, meaning we are equal allies. The other three Hidden Villages aren't as big as us, nor do they have as many Shinobi. When Kazekage-sama arrives here tomorrow, he and Sishou will be working on gaining support from the smaller countries around us. Not particularly for their Shinobi, most of them don't have very many of those, if any at all. It's so we can post our soldiers there, to have more places for our eyes, to make sure we know when Iwa is planning to infiltrate our country, and whatever else there is to know. It's also to protect them; we have a lot of trade with the smaller countries as many have their own unique plantations. (Some are necessary for certain poisons, or salves, or some other medical substance. I've used many of them during my years as a Medic.)_

_I... don't want a war. I've lost enough, we've all lost enough. I don't know why Iwa suddenly wants one, either. A Shinobi War ravages the earth like nothing else can. It's devastating. Not only does it scour the earth, it also kills so many. The Kyuubi attack diminished our numbers by nearly half, but that not nearly as much as the Wars. Add the fatalities from the Wars together… It's amazing we're still here, still the most populated. But then again, we concentrated on our defense. The others didn't. Before we were all more or less the same, but now…_

_I am afraid. It's horrible, this feeling of dread, knowing that even if we win, people are going to die. Although I am a tool, a weapon of war, I can still feel. Perhaps not as much as a normal civilian, but enough. Some older Shinobi might say too much. But I don't want to live just to kill. That's a sad excuse for life, not worthy of it. No, I live for more than that._

_At first, I thought I became a Medic because I like helping people, and because I could get far, with my chakra control. That's a lie. While to some extent I like healing and making people better, it's mainly because then they smile at me and thank me, because then I get a better peace of mind. I feel like a good person those golden seconds. It's selfish, and I've killed, oh yes, and I will never be able to wash my hands free of the blood. And I will never forget their final moments, never be able to completely get rid of those memories._

_But I can try._

_I wonder how the others can live with themselves? They kill so many, like me, but they don't save a life to… balance it out. Do they get the nightmares? (I don't get any anymore. It's good because I can sleep easy now, but it's bad because it shows how used I've got to killing. To my job.) But of course, they just get colder and colder, until hardly anything affects them at all. I would hate that, I really would. Because I'm still just a little dreaming girl, who would like to think that there's more to life than that. I suppose I try to stay human while being a killing machine. Maybe someday, I'll be able to take someone's life without mourning them and hating myself afterward, and still know what warmth feels like._

X-X-X


	3. Chapter 3

X-X-X

_Friday, 27__th__ of May_

_Dear Diary…_

_The Kazekage arrived as planned today. He remembered me, tried to apologise for the Chuunin exam. I forgave that a long time ago, at the same time when I began to actually look and see, understand a little bit. He seemed surprised. I was, too, but I didn't show it. It's funny, everyone says he is the one who shows nothing, but they are wrong. He does, and he did, except he didn't have many feelings to show. And those were mostly hate, anger, boredom, or just nothing at all._

_He's good at what he does. We expected three of the seven smaller countries to basically allow us to occupy their land, but with Kazekage-sama's help, we managed to get five of them to agree. And another only needs a little push. I wonder if, after he changed, he thought too, and chose to be Kage, or if others suggested it to him._

_We found two teams from Iwa, entering our country. Tsunade is having me interrogate them tomorrow. I have a feeling it will be hard. Not because Iwa shinobi are known for being stubborn, or for keeping their mouths shut under duress, no. I base my initial judgements on the individuals, not where they come from or rumours. These teams have been around a long time, and a medical exam has proved that they've already been in this sort of situation. Whether they said anything or not will soon become apparent._

_I have doubts. I am not the best, but Sishou wants to keep things in a tight circle. Everything is still in it's early stages, no one suspects anything yet. (Most think that Kazekage-sama is here for what he's usually here for, meetings and the like.) Moreover, why say anything when either one of us could back down? No blood has been spilled with war as the cause yet. And we have more support than they do, one of the Five Great Countries seems to be sitting this one out. They are clever, they don't have much trade with either us or Iwa, nor do they need or have any political relations. They don't want their Country, which is still recovering, to be damaged by something like this._

_I visited Naruto and Sasuke today. Naruto is, of course, marked on the Memorial Stone, but all shinobi have separate graves, bodies or not. Sasuke's is unmarked. Shinobi who defect are nameless, but they were once of Konoha, and this way people who miss them can visit them. Only I visit that grave. However, don't be fooled, it's only because that fucker was buried next to Naruto. We know Naruto would have wanted that, and that the other didn't want to be buried with his clan. Many who visit Naruto's grave know it is Sasuke's anyway. They also know that the lilies on both graves are placed there by me._

_Kakashi goes there, too, but in the morning, after visiting the Stone. I still don't know who he mourns there everyday, and I will never ask again. I did once, an age ago now, but he replied with a smile. Later on I realised why. It's not right for me to know. It is far too rude, and I would be in places that are private, only for me to know about if he says so. I have an idea anyway, and although my knowing would make us closer, him telling me freely because he wants to would more._

_Hinata is also a usual visitor to Naruto's grave. She doesn't cry anymore. Isn't it so clichéd, to cry for what could have been. Hinata did confess to Naruto, but only as he was leaving to 'rescue' Sasuke. She was scared, and didn't want to leave it unsaid and regret it later. She simply shouted out the truth that everyone else had known about for years, that she loved him. She got a surprised face and then a kiss, before Kakashi pulled him bodily away and chucked him out the gates. She was up in the clouds for hours. Naruto died on that mission._

_Now she regrets not saying anything sooner._

X-X-X


	4. Chapter 4

X-X-X

_Sunday, 29__th__ of May_

_Isn't it funny, how quickly things can change? This time last week (no, it hasn't even been a week. It seems like months) I would still be out, partying with the girls and living our estimated short life span to the full. I've never been a big fan of clubbing, but I go anyway, even if I don't drink. What sort of Medic would I be if I smoked and drank like Ino does? I go for them, and for the normality. And for the cute guys. But that's a side, and I don't usually 'take someone home' with me. No thank you, I don't do one night stands. So, this time last week, I would've have still been at our favourite club, drinking a non-alcoholic fruity cocktail or making a fool of myself on the dance-floor. But Ino and Tenten are nearly always up for that too so at least I'm never alone. And Temari, if she's here._

_Instead, this Sunday, I was at Sishou's office until, oh, about three minutes ago. See how dedicated I am? Not even home for ten minutes, and I'm already writing. Sitting on my sofa, glasses on, mug of hot chocolate and a blanket. What more could a girl ask for? Well, apart from a really cute guy with nice abs. Always a must. Unless you can't be bothered to deal with them and all their bullshit. Or maybe that's just civilian crap. I've never been with another shinobi. Weird, huh. Perhaps because they know who I am, know Sishou and Kakashi will hold dangerous grudges and will mess with certain parts of their anatomy if they do screw me around._

_Civilians like shinobi. Fact. Anyone who has an ANBU tattoo is treated like royalty in the dating world. They're hard to get though. (Too much dedication to your job and you end up not interested in much else. And getting to ANBU level is hard work, it's not something you can get by being half-assed.) Not that I've tried. I don't go after anyone, it's usually the other way around. And all I have to do to be clamoured over is to take my headband and tie it around somewhere like my upper thigh. Always works._

_You would not believe how many civilians fake a headband._

_Anyway, onto more serious matters. The interrogation was hard, but I eventually got what we wanted out of them. They were merely recon, a scout to check things out. If the team never arrived back at Iwa, Iwa would have some sort of response. We don't know it is, none of the Iwa shinobi knew, supposedly, but it's probably very bad._

_But we have hope, because Sishou may be able to come to an agreement to avoid the war. It involves using the two teams, not as a bargaining chip, just to politely say in a diplomatic way that they are fucking hypocrites and that our own recon isn't a good enough base to start a war on. It probably won't work. Then we'll use the teams as chips. But Iwa might think that they're expendable, or they might have thought that they were good enough to evade Kakashi._

_You might be wondering, why is she suddenly upbeat and only dedicating two paragraphs to the war and the rest to guys and dating?_

_Well. I was asked on a date. 'Date', hmm, I say dubiously, wondering if visiting a grave together and then going to train together can be considered a date. But who was I to turn him down? I suppose he gets what he wants a lot, but he still made a 'can't believe you just agreed to that morbid suggestion' face (damn, that was a cute face). Yes, well, better than staying home by myself and getting fat from lack of movement. A war isn't the best time to start a relationship, though, really. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe it was just a friendly suggestion?? Maybe he feels he needs to be mates with me, because of Naruto? It's funny, I never really considered him before. Before, before there was Sasuke, then there was no one, just training, then the 'club boys', but I never actually dated them. What happened in the club, stays in the club. And through all that he was away, not an option. Not even on that mission, when I first saw the fans drooling over him, was I sparing him a glance._

_But now that I think about it, he has those killer looks. Eyes always get me, and a colour like that… He's different, possibly (hopefully), not full of bullshit… Powerful… The bad boy strong silent type, which everyone knows I fall for. And I don't even know him. Christ, those stupid fan-girls do have a point. (And he doesn't seem to be interested in them, in girls… or boys, like that. Hmm…) He's intelligent, quite clearly. Maybe he's…right._

_Hmm._

_Wonder how a person as busy as the Kazekage came to know about my visiting Naruto on Fridays?_

X-X-X


	5. Chapter 5

X-X-X

_Friday, 3__rd__ of June_

_Well, sorry for abstaining for so long, but I really haven't had time (sounds like an excuse). Get up at six, get ready etc., go to the hospital, then have a quick lunch, and if all goes to plan, stay with Sishou for meetings and such until seven. Then, after a quick dinner, back to the hospital for check-ups, hopefully only a couple of new cases… But there's always loads of cases, and usually one case serious enough to need my attention. And then there's the missions. They last around two to three days. I'm glad it's the weekend._

_Sishou's two plans with the two Iwa teams didn't really work. Iwa are still going ahead. I don't really think anything can stop this now. Sishou obviously thinks the same, because she gave a public speech, declaring that we will soon be at war with Iwa. She didn't explicitly say that it would be a Great War, but you can't be stupid here and survive. Everyone's pretty much worked it out, what with Gaara being here and all. They're scared, but the shinobi of us know that Suna's alliance is going to let us win (civilians don't really know much of the other Hidden Villages, or even the other Great Countries. Most of them know who Gaara is, though. And they know when something big is happening). There will be death, and I'm sure that I'll see some terrible things. I spoke with a veteran on Wednesday. It was a meeting of important political people (mainly clan heads), elite shinobi and veterans of the war. It was before Sishou gave the speech that would include non-shinobi and therefore had to be toned down, so as to not cause a panic._

_Civilians are not allowed to know anything about… well, much that's part of what we shinobis do, or our history. They're happy and secure that way, they provide us with services, and in turn can sleep safely in their beds and rest easy knowing that someone else is risking their neck. They don't know half of what we can do, that's why they love the Chuunin Exams, they actually get to see us in action, without being in danger, without knowing fully the terrible extent of our abilities._

_Anyway, this first meeting before the speech was hard-hitting and no sugarcoating was involved. Everyone there knew (and trust me, the only other person there my age was Gaara, and he's vastly more experienced than I) what would be involved. Basically, we don't really think that the war will happen within our country or in Iwa, unless we take the initiative and move forward. But we won't, and as a precaution Sishou is allowing refugees to come into Konoha from the smaller countries around us. They all have to be examined, of course. Some are staying behind, because of pigheadedness or because they have to. We do think, however, that we need to send recon to infiltrate Iwa and find out what their plans are, especially the time frame. The Great Wars involve everyone, in some of the worst times, civilians, and they don't last that long. We suspect that Iwa are not going to wait long, and however long they do wait, it will be to gather… soldiers, so that they can launch one attack. I bet they hope that they'll finish us off. They think that Suna is sitting this one out too. Gaara's coming here was to show __us__, to show __Konoha'__s people his support. Iwa know nothing, thankfully. Maybe if they did they would do things very differently. Maybe they would stop the war now, before anyone dies and there's no going back. But we're not willing to risk telling them._

_And Iwa and Konoha have been a thorn in each other's sides since forever, even though we fought on opposite sides in the First Great Shinobi War, but fought together in the Second. Iwa is probably thinking that this is their chance to get rid of us once and for all. We're thinking the same, so we're concentrating on defeating Iwa, and not their allies. Iwa is quite a bit smaller than us, but they are the biggest on the opposing side, and we're expecting their allies to surrender or join us against their once-allies as soon as Iwa falls. _

_Sishou mentioned that we might try to keep the village itself intact, so that we could make it a sort of second Konoha. Someone from Konoha (I have a sinking feeling about this part) will become the Kage. The civilians hate their current one, anyway, so they'll probably like a new one. The only thing that stopped us from crushing Iwa before was politics, but Iwa broke all rules anyway._

_That's enough about that, I think. The only reason I tell you about it is because I'm sure that if I suddenly wrote about it once it was over, I would miss mentioning loads of important things, or I would mention them in passing when on the day they would've taken up two pages. But I digress, again._

_Well, my 'date' certainly went well. We did exactly what we said we would, we visited Naruto and then we trained in my favourite place (it's private enough and distanced enough for me to destroy a tree where no one will know). It was just that we talked, about Naruto and Sasuke and me and him and everything. And he's easy to talk to, because you think that who is he going to tell? Temari, a friend of mine? His brother, whose life I've saved, and because of that he treats me like a little sister? Naruto knew all this that I'm saying, and would like that I'm telling Gaara. He would definitely have wanted me to tell him all this, to help him understand why Naruto did what he did. And I don't think Gaara would go blabbing about things like this. Or anything else._

_It's just that as I was saying a polite goodbye once training was over, I realised how nice it would be if we were friends. How nice he smells. How nice the muscles in his arms flex. And then I realised that I was thinking what it would be like to kiss him. I was thinking that it would be __very__ nice. And… other things. Luckily I have a strong hold on what my face shows, but he seemed to realise that I was trying really hard not to blush. I did calmly manage to suggest that, if he stayed, we could the same thing next week on Friday again. I didn't say anything about doing something else, it was to see his reaction, to see if he would say anything._

_He did. It was something very similar to 'yes, but we do not have to train after our visit, you do not need it. We might be feeling hungry instead.' I was a bit surprised, but I replied 'yes, I'm sure we will', and then he disappeared in his little sand cyclone. Once he was gone I did, and this is a confession, fall against a tree and fan myself with my hand while grinning dreamily. He did just basically ask me out to dinner on a Friday night. While still letting me get on with my usual schedule. How thoughtful. And he complemented me on my skills, at the same time. Smooth. _

_Oh God, I'm smiling like an idiot. Isn't that a good sign? Just __thinking__ about him makes me __happy__._

_But I'm afraid. I've never been in something serious before, I don't want to fuck it up. And he doesn't live here, he'll have to leave sometime. But maybe we could work something out._

…_Now, I've only been around him for a week, but I did just think about the possibility of moving to Suna. Good God Al-freaking-mighty._

X-X-X


	6. Chapter 6

X-X-X

_Tuesday, 7__th__ of June_

_I thought things would be awkward, that… I don't know, that we would be embarrassed or something. Instead, he's as calm and collected as always. And we do seem to be subtly flirting during meetings. I sit on Sishou's right (people call me her protégé, har har, I don't want to be a Kage), and Gaara sits opposite her, so there's plenty of times when he can drift his eyes over to me (among other things) without suspicion. Especially as I'm Sishou's only proper Advisor, so there're some times when it's just us three. Maybe he was looking at me before, like anyone would expect, and I just didn't notice or give it any importance? But now that he's asked me out to dinner (cue idiot grin), I seem to be concentrating on every little thing about him, from the way he crosses his arms to his writing. And ever though his hair is just long enough to cover most of his ears, I have seen a few glimpses of piercings. Only in his left ear. And, maybe it's that bad boys get piercings in one ear, but that just makes me drool. Along with the eyes and hair and often he doesn't wear his Kage robes (training ones instead), so I can see he's pretty damn perfect everywhere. And he doesn't have any bad habits that I can't stand. He's not arrogant (much... anymore), or racist, or sexist, or fascist, and I haven't once caught him looking at my ass (I would probably only raise an eyebrow and forgive him for it, though, and then giggle later on). I guess the only thing that might stop people is his past, but I know Naruto, and I understand._

_Funny, I can't really think of what's been happening since Friday that's war-related. Oh, we got that sixth little country to agree to be on our side (Gaara is V. persuasive). And because of that, the seventh agreed too. Maybe the fact that one of them is run by a woman and that the other has an unmarried daughter…?_

_For all seven we've started to do much more business, and it's much more beneficial for them. I remember the Land of Waves and how poor everyone was. We're going to be stopping anyone else from starting to drain the country dry. They're all pleased about that, and are hoping that we're also going to settle petty conflicts that they have between each other._

_Err, I can't think of much to write. Oh, yeah, one of Team Three, the idiot, got themselves badly injured on a simple C class mission. That's what they get for messing around. Being a shinobi is a serious job, and while on a mission that's what you have to be. We're not denying fun when you're in Konoha, but honestly... Anyway. This dick thought it was just __hilarious__ that I was his assigned nurse. He thinks himself so cool and funny and utterly desirable. I think that he's a little twat that has no idea that that is exactly what everyone else older than him (and some younger than him) thinks. I can't wait for the day that someone teaches him a lesson and proves to the world just how low his IQ is._

_He also tried to feel me up. What a disgusting pervert. The pervert that is Kakashi I don't mind, his dirty thoughts stay that, just thoughts, but this guy thinks that because we're associated trough Kakashi and the team and everything, he's a friend with privileges. Huh, he's not even a friend in my books. I wasn't pleased and broke most of the bones in the hand that thought it could touch me, thought I would __enjoy__ it. He thought that he was so __it__ for being handsome enough to touch Sishou's student and a Jounin. He screamed bloody murder like I would have at five years old. Some people came running, but I know everyone and they know me, and I explained and everyone gave the guy dirty looks and left quickly. That's the problem with getting on my bad side, you get on the bad side of others too._

_Hmm, can I come back and write on Friday? More interesting things will have happened by then._

X-X-X


	7. Chapter 7

X-X-X

_Friday, 10__th__ of June_

_Sishou is worried. The war is seemingly at a stand-still, nothing is happening. No movement from Iwa, nothing to report from our team there, everything is almost normal. But now that we've declared his war, the people are uneasy, especially the civilians, who know less than us. They're scared that it's so bad we're keeping it secret. Sishou is struggling between starting this herself, and just waiting. But if she does start it herself, that could be exactly what Iwa want, they could be doing something, they could have a master plan that's beyond us. But we can't wait much longer, the tension's at breaking point. And some (no point in coughing, certain __ex-council members__) are complaining, accusing Sishou of being unfit to be Hokage when ffs they were the ones who decided it hd to be a Sannin!! That's not helping at all because it's riling Sishou's infamous temper which is more to point at for those a-holes._

_And we just don't know enough. We don't know if Iwa are waiting for us. We don't know if they just 'started' a war to make us constantly on guard and ready to explode. We don't know if they just wanted us to stop all activity near their country. And if it's that last one, for what?_

_We don't even know if this is just a distraction. And that's the worst, because if we did we'd forget it. But we can't do anything, so for now we wait. Sishou even mentioned that she might move some stationed teams around a bit while hinting about 'needing kekkai genkai __here'__... 'no, __he__ has to be __there__, that's very important...' and especially 'no, I have a __strong feeling__ that it would be __much better__ if __they__ were __here__' to make it look like she knows something._

_And about my date._

_Well. Things were certainly interesting. Wait, I'm just going to rearrange my brain._

_Hoo boy, the only way to describe how tonight was is __exciting__. That's the only word I can think of. The second we left Naruto and we're walking around town talking quietly and I just can't wait for something to happen. I'm so looking forward to it, so happy about it all. So pleased that he's the one asking me out to dinner, pleased because God Almighty, how lucky am I? I can't think of anyone that wouldn't come running at the bend of his finger._

_Hmm, I wouldn't have run, in the beginning (say just after he tried to say sorry for the Chuunin exam thing, and he said something crude or pervy) I'd have stayed still. I'd have risen an eyebrow and given him a look that said 'who do you think you are and what do you think I am?' because like I said, I only got an interest in him after he showed some for me._

_Anyway, the excited thing. I was ready to jump or sing just with the thought of him taking things a step further. He did, by the way._

_He didn't take me to our most expensive, well-known and exclusive restaurant, instead he asked me about my favourite one. This guy just doesn't go wrong. I told him about a nice little family-run one hidden away that's a sort of local place. Everyone who finds out about it and goes there loves it and it's the one you'd recommend if anyone asked. He took me there, and we sat together in that little booth and he asked me about what's been happening and I purposely stayed away from the groping incident on Tuesday but he knew anyway and said that I've saved him the trouble of breaking something. Which I really like, because a nice balance of possessiveness and respect is just right, and it's great knowing that he thinks I can take care of and do things myself. We spent ages there, and when we finally left by the back door (did I mention that I've been going there for years and that the daughter of the owner is a friend of mine?) and took the little back alleys to the forest he took my hand. We walked and talked some more (feel like I can tell him anything, like he's like a best friend as well, and that while we don't have everything in common we have more enough and are so in synch), walking by the little lit up lake with our fingers intertwined. _

_He kissed me. Oh my God, did he kiss me. Been waiting so long to tell you that!_

_...Hm. If he's so good he must've had practice. Ooooh, my envious side's kicking in._

_But who cares (me. Damn hussies... Maybe natural talent?)! I got kissed by the goddamn __Kazekage__!_

_On Sunday we're going out together again and I just can't wait. Gaah! I'm so hyper._

_I am going to leave now. And I am going to jump around and say the word 'yay' many, many times. Then I am going to succumb to the irresistible urge to tell someone. I shall arrange a meeting with Hinata, because I know her better than Tenten, and Temari is his sister. And Ino is not trustworthy with these things. She just doesn't seem to get the concept of not wanting everyone to know about everything and anything that's happened. God, I know more about her sex life than I have ever wanted to._

_Anyway, until next time diary._

X-X-X


	8. Chapter 8

X-X-X

_Sunday, 12th of June_

_Hinata was so surprised, I might have been a little bit offended if it hadn't only lasted for a second. And then she put both hands to her mouth and grinned so widely I was pleased with myself because I haven't seen her do that for a long time. Then she started laughing. Not laughing at me, Hinata would never do that, she was laughing __for__ me. When her giggles finally died down, she took a sip of her reddish-pink drink, still grinning slightly. He makes you smile, she said. More than that, I thought, he makes me forget. And that makes me happy. I was going to tell her this when Kiba appeared because his teammate was missing team training. And Kiba is like Ino, so Hinata just smiled, apologised for leaving, and told me she was free next tuesday at six._

_When she said that smiling thing, I know what she meant. 'This guy is good for you. I like him', which means so much because I have been thinking about what other people would say. And don't convince yourself otherwise, that we never care about what others think. We always do, we always have. About some things, it's impossible not to. _

_That was Saturday lunchtime, and I had been planning to go shopping with Hinata for a nice dress. Of course, since she had to train that went out the window. Ino was still a no-no, because she would ask why and she is actually very perceptive and would have known that it was for a date. And she would have asked 'who's it for?' and then I would have deny everything and we'd have keep on like that for ages and she wouldn't have actually be helping me pick anything and eventually I would have admitted that I did have a date but it was early stages yet so shut up and probably threaten her against following me. She'd agree like she's the nicest girl on the planet and then follow me anyway and tell one of her gossipy friends that she saw me with Gaara and then everyone would know._

_And I know that we would get harrassed by many many girls if they found out that he's sort of taken (mine bitches!). Aside from that, I don't think it's right to tell everyone about a relationship unless you've discussed it beforehand and both agreed that it's time to make it public. And I hardly think that Gaara is the kind of guy who wants to share everything with everyone. Especially people he doesn't know. And that's fine with me, because I'm the same. I keep things close to my chest, and if it's important like this is, then I want to be sure that everyone knowing won't make a difference or matter to us or affect things. And that implies a certain level that I don't think Gaara and I have reached __at all__. Sure, when we talked we talked about personal things but nothing to do with the future. And you need to do that, need to know where you're going with things and what to expect._

_Sadly, I've never discussed that future in any previous relationships. Things were great while they lasted, but things change, a lot in lives like ours. One ex left on a misson and never came back, another did come back but he was so different and cold and somber when before he had been the spark that had brightened my hard life._

_But anyway, onto Sunday._

_We did go to a nice restaurant this time. He at least told me beforehand, rather than keep it a surprise and take me in there when I'm dressed in shorts and he's in a tux._

_...Did I tell you how godDAMN attractive he looks in one of those?? No? Well._

_Ha HA._

_And Kami, he really knows what he doing. How does he know all this? First my favourite place, then a place to spend loads of money on me (I freely admit here and now that I like having money spent on me. And so do you, probably). No mistakes. Whatsoever. No comments out of place, no bad behaviour, nothing wrong at all. I'll admit that it's suspicious, gratifying and scary at the same time. Hmm, maybe I should talk to Temari... But I don't know if I trust her enough to keep a secret. Has Gaara told her? What's their intersibling relationship like now anyways? I suppose if he has told her, then it's alright for me to ask. But still, it shows a certain amount of distrust no one will appreciate. Perhaps I should just trust him and ask him myself later? ...Yeah, I'll do that._

_With him I'm always straying off target, aren't I?_

_So, we went to that place, the name of which I am afraid to write down. It was so expensive and posh, classy, and I felt out of place, but the food was beautiful. I've never been there before, even when I was celebrating I went something a couple of levels below. I think Sishou went there ONCE, and said it was brilliant and so was the sake and funnily enough she doesn't remember much._

_I was in my specially brought dress that... ah, I never did tell you that I went with Tenten, did I? Well, I did. She can keep secrets, and she knows what how being in the limelight can affect things so she nicely asked me, only once, if I was willing to tell her. Seeing as she had helped me pick out a few V. nice things and have trusted her since that disastrous mission last year, I indulged her. She just paused and then smirked. Totally unfazed by my miraculous catching of the most unobtainable bachelor out there. And she should've been. I pointed out to her that I too thought he didn't swing my way. We both thought she didn't swing any way at all! Anyway. The dress. A deep red cocktail dress, with some sparkly things sewn onto the bottom. The top of it looked sort of like it had been wrapped around me (it was like a boob-tube, and the rest of the dress fell from underneath it in stylish waves) and it was strapless and form-fitting. The dress itself was made from silk, and it was so comfortable. I matched it with a nice simple silver necklace and earrings and I did my hair up. My hair didn't even clash with the dress!_

_And we did look so good together in that mirror buy the door. I feel so smug._

_The meal went... smoothly. Better than that if I want to boast. I even felt sure enough to get dessert. The most delicious cakey thing EVER._

_And you know what? Not one word about me eating more than him._

_P.S: We're going to stay in at his place next time on Friday, after vising Naruto and training a bit._

_P.P.S: And he walked me home (and kissed me senseless)! Not only is he a badass, sinfully shmexy powerful Kage, he is a __gentlemanly__ badass, sinfully shmexy powerful Kage! ...And he's all mine._

X-X-X


	9. Chapter 9

X-X-X

_Tuesday, 14th of June_

_I met Hinata again at six today and we chatted and I spilled everything about Gaara. She blushed so hard when she heard what I had been thinking that Friday after training! (Oh, and, my thoughts continue to get more perverted everytime I see him... You wouldn't believe what was going through my head this last date in that restaurant.) She said it was caused by 'animal attraction'. I said it was a combination of hormones and his hotness. She also told me that she fancies someone, and that she's heard that they fancy her back. I raised an eyebrow and asked if that someone was Kiba. She laughed and admitted it. But then she went all sad and said that she won't ever do anything, and that if he asks her out she will have to turn him down. She agreed that it was because of Naruto. Hinata is too in love with him to ever let go and knows it. And she says it's mean, to forget about him like that. She doesn't __want__ to ever be with anyone else; her heart wouldn't be in it. That's Naruto's, dead or not._

_And that's right, I think. Maybe we're weird, but with death being so common and our lives so short, she'll probably see him again soon. And she wants to have a clean conscience when she does. Our lives arne't for living, really, they're for killing. We aren't meant to be human, just tools. Still, we hope that something nice comes after all our sacrifices. We believe so, and Hinata also believes that seeing Kiba now, and possibly falling in love with him and marrying and having kids with him and leaving her memories of Naruto behind, would be the ultimate betrayal. She can't do that to someone who deserves her love more than Kiba. But anyway, depressing._

_I also bumped into Temari today. It was strange, things were supposed to be different between us because I'm seeing her brother. She's meant to warn me or be overprotective or wary or something! Instead, all she did was wink at me and make some suggestive comment that has escaped from my mind. She even asked me how things were going. (Surely his sister would rather die than know that her brother is the best kisser ever?)_

_And seeing as we were in a small side street and quite alone my brilliant brain accidentally let slip that I was 'somewhat confused as to how your brother can be so perfect'._

_The seconds following that statement were embarrassing. Then Temari laughed and said that is suspicious and slightly scary, isn't it? And I waited, tense and eager, hoping she would say that he's just good at that, or maybe that she had given him tips, or that he was just like that, perfect at everything. But she didn't, she smiled again, softer, and told me to ask him. I wonder if she's going to talk to him about it? Maybe I won't even have to ask if she does. He'll probably smoothly bring it up sometime and it'll be some explanation that I never thought of that makes perfect sense and is probably awe-inspiring in some way. Kami, I don't know._

_This is scary. We've only been on, what, three dates if you count that first one where I was just perverted and he asked me to dinner on Sunday? Without that it's only two! But I suppose, with the meetings all the time and all the talking and the Sunday date was very long..._

_But still, I'm in so deep and I hope that he is too. (I find that no relationship will work if you aren't on the same level, because you need understanding. I know that I'm a bit clingy and needy, but he doesn't seem to mind. If he didn't really like me he would find that annoying. I guess you have to like each other the same amount because that way you act similarly.) I have never been with a shinobi before, I've never had someone so perfect before, and I have never ever fallen in love with someone so quickly._

_There, I said it. I am in love with Sabaku no Gaara. And I fell hard and fast and completely, irrevocably in love with him and (...okay, cliché warning. Why is everything sappy clichéd? This could be SO original, like, unbelivable) every time I'm with him it's hard not to smile and I'm not usually like that. Usually I'm so terrified of rejection I try too hard and smile too hard and wide and they're disconcerted and/or put off. He's just... you know what? I can't find one complaint, except for perhaps the fangirls but it's hate to hate (so many) when you can see from their POV, one single thing I don't like. And that is amazing, becuse normally any guy with to-die-for looks is a total arrogant asshole who __knows__ how hot he is and that ruins it. Some girls go with that anyway but I don't, I can't._

_Even all those years ago I chose Sasuke, who hardly flaunted anything he had. I suppose he thought he didn't have anything at all and he was far to focused on the mission he had thrusted upon himself. He lost important things and obviously it changed him, and he made a conscious decision to value that loss above all and many subconscious decisions to disregard any other chances at happiness or friendships. But that's the way it works, when you're that unhappy and devastated, you really don't know how you can get it back. You close your eyes._

_But why am I talking about him? Hurt or not, he was a bastard and I can't forgive what he did to Naruto. And... well, Naruto told me, once, vaguely, about what it was like to be a Jinchuuriki. Even now I can barely get my head around everyone looking at you with hate and contempt and fear that just makes them more ruthless. I can barely understand what it's like to __never__ have had parents or someone who can love like that. Both of mine (retired) are still alive and I hope to Kami that they stay so for a long time to come._

_I can't imagine being able to handle the injustice of everyone hating what you unwillingly have to contain, something that they put there, which they take to mean you. I would probably brake down and cry everytime someone some much as said one word to me, and no one would care anyway. I wouldn't be able to take being so alone._

_And I thought about that, thought about Gaara. Naruto even said that Gaara had it worse than him. He didn't go into details, and it was understood anyway that I would have to ask Gaara myself. It wouldn't be right for me know otherwise, like the Kakashi thing. But for it to be worse... How can it be worse? What could be more horrible?_

_Maybe that's why he doesn't care if I look wierd or am practically flat-chested or if I have a temper or if I'm needy. Maybe he just doesn't want to be alone. Maybe he's just like me and is trying to fill empty spots. And so I've decided. I am going to tell him that I love him. I don't care if he can say it back yet, this time I don't. That's not important. Because he needs it more than I do and it's the truth anyway. I just... thinking of Hinata, I don't want to leave it too late and be standing over his corpse after an assassination whispering that I couldn't even tell him that someone loves him like I do. I need him to know._

_You know, before, I would have said that to sort of move the relationship along, to try and start something new in it happening, to get closer to whomever. But now, I'm happy with this. Because if he's only been treated like a human being a few years, this could be scary for him too. But we shall see. Anytime he's ready for the next step, I am._

_P.S: have you noticed how impatient I am?? He's awakened __some__ sex-fiend._

_P.P.S: still nothing on the war front. Sishou has decided to wait one more week, then she has to move._

X-X-X


	10. Chapter 10

X-X-X

_Saturday, 18th of June_

_Well. Hm._

_Obviously, my date was yesterday, and for some obscure, unthinkable reason, I wasn't at home yesterday evening to write. He he. So, yes, I did. I mean, I stayed at his place._

_We were at his 'house', and I was doing the polite thing of saying that it was pretty. He shrugged and said that people from Konoha had fitted it out for him. Then I asked if this house had always been the home of the Kazekage, or at least since our alliance from the Second Shinobi War. Apparently not, Gaara brought it since it became obvious that he would be staying here a lot._

_And, forgive me, but I must mention that I REALLY REALLY REALLY like the thought of him being able to actually live here in Konoha for extended periods of time. Of course, I could leave Konoha, but I can't officially become a citizen of Suna, only if I marry (hacking cough insert) a Suna citizen. And, I gotta tell you, marrige isn't high on my ninteen-year-old list of things to do. Yet, anyway._

_Back to the date. So he cooked, and it was surprisingly nice. I thought it would be some weird Suna stuff like fried lizard's balls in an unidentifiable orange sauce (saw it, ignored it, never want to try it), I don't know. Instead he, being as perfect as he is, asked me what I would like. I tentatively suggested some tempura, because you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find some nice tempura in Konoha. And it's not that hard to make, and the ingridients at least are easy to buy. He smiled (which nearly made me have a seizure) and asked me if I would go with him to buy the food we would need, as he wasn't sure he had everything._

_And when you're shopping with Sabaku no Gaara in the fashion of a couple actually living together, you can't help but feel incredibly smug. I was a bit worried for the tiniest moment about people's reactions, but then again I think it was a good way to break it to everyone, and no one would dare say anything or be openly disgusted to Gaara's face. Sure, some people were surprised, but they got over it quickly and most people smiled. In fact, everyone that I wanted to break it to saw us holding hands and joking around, except Kakashi. He's on a solo recon mission on the border right now. And seeing as he's more like a father-figure, I'd rather tell him myself._

_But his team saw. And a certain boy (boy, not man) was there, the one who felt me up. Gaara must have already known who he is (that means he looked up his file, and because of me!) and he must have known he was there ages before he was actually visible, but he deliberately looked over toward him slowly. He did something very close to a glare that made the twat back away, stumbling, and run. I laughed, I couldn't help it. Maybe it was mean, what Gaara did, and maybe my mirth was just as bad or worse, and maybe that kid didn't deserve it, but I think he did and - hey, it was somebody sticking up for me. And no one actually got hurt._

_And it makes me feel better, better than them too. I'm older, more experienced, more important, practically going out with the Kazekage... It makes me feel as if I'm on a different level than them, and I hope it made them feel silly, young, and ignorant._

_Yeah, I really hate them, and I can be a bit vicious if you're on my bad side._

_Anyway, we got back to his home and he cooked. It smelt delicious, and I knew I would like it. True to my predictions, it tasted so nice, and I ate it all. Then we sat on the couch and talked. He traced lines on my face, the curve of my chin and under my eyes and down the side over my temple. And then he kissed me. It was only a light brushing of our lips, but it still felt so intimate. It felt like that was all he needed to show affection, to... to... God, I'm so lost for words. I mean that, it felt like we had been together for ages, and we didn't need anything heavy, just little things to satisfy ourselves. Like we had endless time, and heavy things can come later, but it doesn't matter anyway because we'd already had that. And because we already knew, and we'd already been much more intimate, it all seemed to be on the same level._

_But it wasn't enough for me, I could die from his kisses. So I started kissing him, and he seemed a bit surprised but took it in his stride._

_Now, I'm not going to go into details, but I will say that he's great in bed too. As I knew he would be._

_And when I woke up next to him, in a room that I knew would always smell of him, and I looked at his face, I thought that I wouldn't mind looking at that every morning, or being able to run my hands through his hair everyday. Funnily enough, he did wake up immediately, and said he was surprised that I was awake so early; he thought I would be tired. And he was amazed at my knowledge of exactly how to play with his... (Ha, I bet Kakashi would either have an apoplexy or a proud parent moment here!) hair. I had brushed it back from his temple with my nails, apparently that's the only way he likes it._

_Oh, yeah, I am so cool._

_P.S: he made me breakfast. Boo-yah._

_P.P.S: nothing happened during the day apart from the usual. A meeting, paperwork, I had to treat some nasty burns and I saw Hinata, who winked at me and smiled with a blush. That was practically a congratulations. I smiled, waved, winked back and stuck out my tongue. Now that's multi-tasking!_

X-X-X

Author's note: I started writing this quite a while ago, that's why it's AU when it comes to certain recent developments in the manga. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I won't ruin it for you. But anyway, I hope you all liked and enjoyed. Until the next chapter!


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